There are many things to consider when you decide to add to your family. Sally Rawlings finds out how to tackle this tricky topic Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the desire to have another child? Then you’re not alone. So how do you deal with it when you are consumed by the thought of adding to your family but your partner does not feel the same way because of practical or emotional reasons?
Marriage change after you add to your family
THE LIFESTYLE ISSUE
As wondrous as children are, there are many studies that show marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child, notes Singer. Among his tips:
“Realise that however good a marriage becomes post-baby, it will not be good in the same way it was pre-baby.”
Many partners dread a new baby’s impact on sleep, calm, couple time and personal time. “I couldn’t bear waking up to, and coming home to, my wife, miserable without sleep for another year,” says one man with two children and little extended family support.
Be realistic about the challenges, says Singer. “Although some parents believe children will take care of each other, reducing some of the parents’ burden, I more commonly hear that each additional child raises the bar exponentially in terms of additional stress.
Consider whether adding another child at this time is truly something you will be able to handle.”
What could help this time around – do you have spare cash for baby whisperers and respite babysitting for x hours a week? Are there reliable teenagers in your area who could help out? How do like-minded friends/acquaintances of yours cope?
THE LONG-TERM ISSUE of adding to your family
Think through what you might want together in 20 or so years, says Ollington: “As we get
older, the importance of family is highlighted for many people.” Will you regret not having another child or will you be too busy planning an overseas trip? Of course, any great expectations that children will hang around to be our buddies as adults only serve to increase the likelihood that they’ll fall in love and move on.
STAY UPBEAT
Even in the midst of a dilemma, try to maintain the fun – mandatory date nights, playing cards, snorkelling, snuggling, whatever makes you smile and relax together. “A healthy, loving, low-conflict parenting relationship is the heart of your family, the powerhouse that keeps it going strong,” says Singer. “Value and nurture this relationship for your own sakes and for your children’s security and wellbeing. Think about whether this is the ideal time for your family to grow in size, rather than what is the ideal family size.”
NAVIGATING NEGOTIATIONS
Being patient when you want to have another child can be difficult, especially if age and fertility are an issue. A rush of fear, fury or frustration can make it irresistible to try to talk to your partner – exactly when it’s best to wait, says Ollington.
Bringing the topic up softly, she says: “Try something like, ‘I know this is a really difficult topic and I know you understand my perspective and I yours but it’s not resolved for me and can we talk about it again?
Research shows successful couples make a point of using positive cues when bringing up a tricky topic. “Things like touching each other on the knee [while you’re talking about the hard stuff], saying, “Thank you for letting me talk’, letting them know that they’re very much loved and appreciated,” says Ollington
Take time out if necessary, patch things up quickly and remember your respect for your partner and their positive qualities. “See yourselves as a team trying to negotiate a life- changing issue, rather than enemy forces at war with each other.” After all, this is someone you want to have children with.
Be happy with what you’ve got
WHEN YOU STILL FEEL A LONGING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD…
KEEP TALKING If you feel your partner is avoiding the topic because he feels frustrated or
guilty about your distress, try asking him at a calm moment to nominate a time when he will
talk, says Ollington.”Then, agree to a time limit to the conversation or allow him to call time-
out when he’s drained.”
CALL IN THE PROFESSIONALS If necessary, a few sessions with a psychologist may help.
Part of processing the feeling of sadness can be to find some meaning in the decision –
perhaps the sense of gained wisdom, or a new sense of enjoyment of the immediate or
extended family you have already. Mindfulness practices – learning to savour the moment
and what you have – can help here, too.”I’ve had couples take the position that they’re quite
lucky to have one child,” says Ollington. “In another case, where the man feared his stress
levels with another child, the woman had to look at her husband and one child in a new way,
and really embrace the idea that ‘This is my family!
KEEP IT REAL It’s pointless to idealise other families because of their size – families of all
sizes come with their own set of pros and cons. A couple with no children has extraordinary
freedom to travel, be creative and spontaneous. An only child may allegedly be lonely but
parents will often ensure they have a blockbuster social life, not to mention more attention
and resources. Two might be nice but there’s no guarantee siblings will even like each other.
Three or more sounds fun and lively but what about the squeeze at home, on resources, on
the family-car budget?
Read part 1 here.
