There are many things to consider when you decide to add to your family. Sally Rawlings finds out how to tackle this tricky topic Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the desire to have another child? Then you’re not alone. So how do you deal with it when you are consumed by the thought of adding to your family but your partner does not feel the same way because of practical or emotional reasons?
An urge to have more children can’t simply be written off as a normal biological imperative – though therapists do notice a trend for women around 40 to want to extend their family. It’s an ache that can have many triggers, according to Relationships Australia psychologist Danielle Ollington.
A parent of an only child might feel a desire to supply a sibling; she may feel that sting of sadness when her youngest or only child starts school. Sometimes, a parent who comes from a large family may have a desire to have a family of the same size.
One in five women were sad about the unfulfilled size of their family – some even angry and ‘devastated’-according to the results of a voluntary survey on the website babycentre.co.uk. Financial pressure was the big obstacle, though more than a quarter blamed their partner’s reluctance.
The results even surprised the survey’s creator, UK-based marriage therapist, Andrew Marshall, who had discovered it was a silent bugbear among many of his client couples. “For most it was a source of contention, for many an open
wound”
“In my experience, the decision about how many children you and your partner should have ranks right up there with choices about career, religion, and where you want to live,” says US family therapist Dr Alan Singer, author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size “Family-size decisions play a major role in whether or not a couple stays married.
Well thought-out, family-size decisions are essential if partners want a healthy relationship.”
It’s a hard subject to compromise on -2.5 kids’ being a concept solely for statisticians – and negotiating the issue with a reluctant partner can be a decidedly fraught affair. But better to tackle it than leave it simmering indefinitely.
Talk to your partner adding to your family
START TALKING – & LISTENING
“If you at least feel that your partner understands how important this is to you, it can decrease a lot of the pain and conflict of the discussion,” says Ollington. Also, it shows your partner that you are at least trying to understand his point of view. “You may not want to voice the ‘negatives’ but, in fact, being in touch with the impact on family resources, on your relationship, the need to change cars (particularly for a third child) can help your partner to
feel understood and to feel that you’re not looking at the issue with blinkers on,” she says.
THE MONEY ISSUE
Financial strain is an unpleasant topic but brushing over it only makes matters worse. It helps if you can discuss your partner’s biggest fears and come up with solutions to worst- case scenarios, such as the major breadwinner losing their job?
Additionally, having extra children often leads to the need for a larger home or car, just at a
time when the family income is likely to take a dip. Think about whether your home is big
enough, and what you are prepared to compromise on to upgrade.
Read part 2 here.
