All parents believe their kids are special but have we taken it too far? Is your child too confident? Jennifer Garth finds out boosting your child’s self-esteem is the golden rule of modem-day parenting-and for good reason, too. When children feel good about themselves they do better at school, have realistic expectations, are generally optimistic and enjoy life more than those with low self-esteem.
A child that is too confident can’t handle criticism
And, according to Boland, they don’t do well in the workplace, because they lack essential employee skills such as being able to delay gratification, take criticism and empathise with others
Over-confident kids are setting wildly unrealistic goals for themselves, which often amount to nothing more than delusional thinking and can result in major disappointment.
Breaking the overconfidence cycle “Teaching your child to empathise is the cornerstone of reversing over-confidence and raising a grounded and self-assured child,” says Boland. It’s important that your child knows how to identify and understand the feelings of others and how to tune into the emotional world of someone else.
Children who are comfortable with “It’s not all about me become adults who experience more successful, integrated relationships in the community, at work and in their personal lives.
“Start by encouraging your child to see the world through someone else’s eyes, suggests Boland. It’s something you can do on a daily basis and it’s fun. For example, the next time you’re queuing up to buy an ice-cream, ask your kids what the person serving behind the counter might see. Ask what she or he might feel when people are impatient and rude?
“Another essential component in breaking the over-confident cycle is to stop telling your kids they’re really special’,” advises Twenge. Kids are already egocentric enough. And while you’re at it, avoid non-specific, exaggerated praise. For example, if your child’s mark on a maths exam was mediocre, don’t exaggerate and tell them it’s incredible. Your child knows when they have given an average performance, and if you keep praising them they will think mediocrity is worthy of praise and doing nothing much deserves a gold star. It creates a distorted sense of entitlement and a child who is out of touch with the rest of the world.
A child should not be too confident
What is reality based confidence? “A confident child has a strong sense of self-efficacy,” says Boland. “They feel competent and believe they have the requisite resources to give something a go.” It’s a concept they learn from the cradle. For example, as toddlers taking their first steps, they try, fail, try again, fail again and then finally succeed.
Whether they’re learning to read or tie their shoelaces, every time your child experiences competency, their confidence increases and they develop a healthy can-do’ attitude based on a positive experience. Your child develops confidence, not because you tell her she’s special, but because she feels competent about her ability.
Do set some boundaries
Many parents today feel guilty about working long hours, a contentious divorce and/or bitter custody battle and so give into their child’s every whim by way of compensation. But ask yourself whether you would rather be liked or raise a responsible child who doesn’t expect everything to be handed to her.
Don’t fight your child’s battles
“Let your child have some failure experiences and focus on helping your child develop skills to cope,” suggests Boland. For example, if your child failed an assignment, avoid disparaging the teacher with something like, ‘Your teacher is hopeless. I’ll speak to the school about it and get your project remarked. Instead, teach your child a valuable life skill by encouraging him to use failure and feedback as an opportunity to learn. Ask your child, ‘What were your teacher’s comments? Do you think your teacher’s feedback is valid? Are the comments something you can use for your next assignment?’
Your child develops a healthy self-confidence based on his ability to accept feedback without taking it personally, and to solve problems and deal with challenging situations.
Do deal with a child that is too confident
Help your child deal with inflated self-beliefs by listening out for statements indicating that your child feels superior, lacks empathy or feels entitled. They’re often vague, wildly unrealistic goals like, ‘I’m so incredible. I’m going to be rich. Famous. A rock star. Don’t let them go unchallenged. Try, “To be a rich and famous rock star requires a lot of hard work, sacrifice and discipline. Are you cut out for that? Do you have a plan?’ Get your child to be a quiet achiever whose actions speak louder than his/her words.
Don’t be afraid to use peer evaluation
Your child can use his classmates as a measuring stick to evaluate his strengths and weaknesses. Encouraging your child to ask simple questions such as, “Am I understanding the book as well as my classmates are? Can help him to self-assess – and it enables him to set realistic and achievable goals to ignite a positive cycle of high motivation, healthy confidence and achievement.
Praise your child, but be specific
Instead of global and puffed up, advises Boland. Focus on rewarding the process instead of the end result. For example, ‘You didn’t get 10 out of 10 for your assignment, but I did notice how much effort you put into your project. Well done. I’m proud of you.’
Read part 1 here.
