What happens when you start behaving more like your child’s best friend than a parent? Here, we explain the consequences and how to get the balance right.
By being your child’s best friend you risk the chance of losing their respect
“Young people have this incredible radar for authenticity explains Cohen. They know when an adult is trying too hard to win their approval or affection by being too nice or too cool and they can play on that.
It’s also a bad idea for parents to confuse being liked with being respected. Your children might like you but they may not respect you. “To be respected, you need to be seen as firmly in charge and setting fair, clear and consistent limits,” says Cohen.
If you like the idea of being seen as the cool parent, you could be jeopardising your kids’ friendships especially in the teenage years.
The danger of sharing too much
Friends share problems and intimate details of their lives, but when parents start to confide in their children it can spell trouble. “A child may have the intellectual ability to understand certain things, but they don’t have the emotional ability to know what to do with them’ says McCormack
“It’s not up to them to ensure that your partner is treating you well or that you can afford to pay the mortgage. If you burden them with that they can start feeling responsible for you and this puts them under a lot of pressure. Children are impressionable, so when you choose to confide in them, you influence their viewpoint. she continues. “A responsible parent steps back and allows their children to make their own decisions and come up with their own interpretations of events.”
Don’t open up towards your child as if your are your child’s best friend
Cohen suggests asking yourself,”Is it serving my child’s needs to know that information?”It’s not about being dishonest with your children, but if it’s your worry on need that’s out of control, it’s worth talking to a girlfriend or seeing a counsellor she says,
More than friends
So how can you be a great parent and share a bond with your child that’s deeper than the one they have with their peers, without being your child’s best friend? The first thing you should do is support your child’s friendships.
“Children need to develop autonomy says Cohen. “And while it’s wonderful to have a close relationship with our children, they need their own friends, in and out of school and they need to keep some secrets from us. I’m not talking about unhealthy secrets, but it’s okay for parents not to know their child’s every intimate thought and what they talk about with their friends
Your child also needs you to have your own healthy friendships. Making your child the centre of your social life or your only source of emotional support means you can become resentful of their friends. But if you’re the parent, no one can displace you’ says McCormack “An adult needs to find adult friends, a child needs to find child friends, and we all interact happily in the world that way
Read part 1 here.
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