If it’s been a bit lackluster between the sheets lately, it may be time to talk to your partner about sex.
Conversations around health and happiness have expanded at a rate of knots, to include not only blood pressure, what you put on your plate and how you move your body, but also how high your cortisol levels are, what your gut bacteria profile is like, and what your grand life purpose is. However, there is something that is often left out of the discussion – sex.
The s-word
Matty Silver has been a sex therapist for almost a decade and has seen first-hand how issues in the bedroom are so often at the core of unhappy relationships, heartbreak and even unhappiness in general.
Problems in this realm are incredibly common, but because bringing up your body shame,
inability to climax, poor performance or total lack of sex isn’t exactly casual conversation,
people tend to draw the conclusion that everyone else’s sex lives are just dandy.
In Matty’s new book, Sex Down Under, she demystifies many of the common
misconceptions about sex in 40 eyeopening chapters. From mismatched libidos, affairs and
anxiety, to bisexuality, threesomes, menopause and toys, no rock has been left unturned.
Ultimately, she hopes the book will encourage people to feel more comfortable talking about
the ‘S’ word.
Comfort zone
Living in the Netherlands in her younger years showed Matty how much better off society is
when attitudes towards sex are more relaxed. “Things are different in the Netherlands. It’s
the law there that all primary and high school students receive sex and relationship
education. The Dutch believe that young people are curious about sexuality and have a right
to adequate sex education so that they can make well-informed choices about sexuality and
relationships.
Be comfortable talking about sex
“I believe society would benefit greatly and would be happier if people were more
comfortable talking about sex, but for most people sex is a topic that they are too
embarrassed to talk about,” she says. “Some people even have difficulties naming their
genitals! I have women sitting in front of me who refer to their genitals as down there.”
Sex is a healthy part of being human, and in her experience, a good sex life strongly
correlates to a good relationship, and good relationships make us happy. Healthy sex has
the power to release several hormones that increase intimacy and bonding, as well
to improve mood, immunity and overall health, decrease feelings of loneliness and
depression, boost confidence and enhance life quality. The calorie burn can even make it a
great form of exercise!
Dead bedrooms
Given these vast benefits and the racy sex scenes we see in movies, it can be easy to
believe that everyone else has a thriving and healthy sex life, but Matty explains that for a lot
of people, the opposite is true. “Couples fight about sex quite a lot,” she says. “When
couples don’t sort out their problems, sooner or later resentment will surface and intimacy
and sex will go on the backburner. Problems should always be discussed; otherwise couples
grow apart or become frustrated, resentful and angry, which often leads to divorce.
“Yes, sex can be private, but other couples can’t even talk about sex together when they are
in private. People are embarrassed or worried they might say or ask for something that the
other person won’t like.”
She sees a range of people through her door dealing with a variety of issues, but says that
it’s not uncommon for couples to tell her that they haven’t had sex for months, or even years.
“About 40 percent of all iscuss and my clients are couples lects of sex. who have relationship
me – not in issues because of their cus on one lack of sex and lack of initiating intimacy,
infidelities, yr things jealousies or lack of enjoyment of sex.”
In the early stages of a relationship, couples tend to have spontaneous sex frequently, but
after a couple of years, moving in together or having children, she says that it’s natural for
the maintenance of a good sex life to require more effort and planning.
Amidst busy work schedules, chores and family commitments, sex can end up being the last
thing on the priority list, left until late at night when both parties are simply too tired, or go to
bed at different times.
Despite what you see in movies, sex isn’t always spontaneous. Life is busy, so there is no
shame in scheduling it in the exact same way that you would for a vacation or dinner date.
Matty suggests essential, from trying out new times treatment to for intimacy – perhaps in the
morning, before dinner, or after dinner.
Anxious times- talk about sex
Another 40 percent of people Matty sees are males under the age of 45 dealing with sexual
dysfunction and impaired confidence. Indeed, there is a place for medications, and being at
a healthy weight can be a factor too, but for most men, she says it usually turns out to be
more of a mental or emotional issue than a physical one.
A one-off incident of erectile dysfunction (ED) can be enough to leave a man with
performance anxiety, and this anxiety is enough to cause a repeat of the situation. Without
the aid of any sexual medication, Matty says she has helped plenty of men to resolve their
performance issues just by providing some simple tips for overcoming the anxiety.
Feelings of shame can also be deeply damaging. “Sex is an area of life that historically has
been directly associated with shame – one of the most devastating emotional experiences in
humans,” she explains. Shame can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, low
confidence, prevent partners from getting close, inhibit a healthy sex life and attitude towards
sex, and can even cause conflict or break-ups.
Also read: Inventor and YouTuber with hole in chest dies of cancer at 23 years old
Read part 2 here.
